Ups and Downs.

 

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I didn’t realise when I moved to university that my mental health would take such a toll. I didn’t realise how much of a change it would be. I didn’t realise how strenuous it would be. I didn’t realise just how alone I would be.

University is perceived by all young people as a place where the next three greatest years of their life will happen. I too was drawn into this trap and yeah at first it seemed like that would be the case. I knew a few people on my course and I knew a few people living in the same building as me; I thought I was set. Nothing prepared me for what I have endured for the past 5 months.

On my first day in my new flat, I was alone. Granted, this was my own fault as I chose to move in a  few days earlier than everyone else. On the day everyone else arrived I saw them all making friends with their new flatmates and settling in. I was still waiting to see who I would be spending the next year with. This waiting continued for a week and a half before my “flatmates” arrived.

By this point I was already feeling the most alone I had ever felt in my life. I don’t actually think this feeling has ever truly gone away. I don’t talk to the people I live with, I don’t socialise with them, I don’t associate with them. Whilst I hear them talking and laughing and having fun, I sit here in my tiny little room with nobody for company. I hear them talking about me when they don’t think I’m here and I see them looking at me when I walk into the kitchen like I don’t have a right to be there. They play music too loudly and they leave washing up for days on end but if I ever do any of those things there is a knock on the door asking me to sort it all out.

Yes I’ve made friends in the other flats and on my course. This is no way makes up for the fact I am so. alone. in my own flat. I hate going home because I hate coming back. I hate having to spend any more time here than is absolutely necessary. I hate knowing my friends are enjoying their time here and I’m not. I hate feeling so sorry for myself. I hate it.

My friends from home are off travelling the world I am stuck here in what might as well be prison. A bright green prison. Who even thought lime green was a good colour for a bedroom? I think I may be developing a complex towards the colour green.

Next year I have a house sorted with two of my friends. This in itself didn’t come without drama. Why don’t people grow up when they go to uni? Why do I still feel like I’m in primary school? That’s where the drama should have been left.

No matter how many times I have been told that things will get better, they never have. Sometimes I feel completely fine, sometimes I feel like I am never going to be happy again. Sometimes I wonder if university has triggered some sort of mental problem  in me. I don’t say that lightly. One minute I can be absolutely fine, the next I can be in a deep hole that takes hours to dig myself out of. All i want to do is lie in bed, a bed far away from here where I can be happy. This happens more times than I would like and I want to be able to snap out of it but that is so difficult. I tell myself to be happy and strong and to start enjoying my own company but my brain won’t believe my own advice.

Life is meant to be full of ups and downs… why do I feel like mine is constantly down?

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