The lowest of the low

My brother and I have never been close. We have always argued and we have always disagreed but that is just the way we are. We’re different and that’s fine,  we accept that.

Things got worse, a lot worse, when we moved to Devon.  We had a lot more interaction with each other, my friends were his friends and we would see each other a lot more outside of school. To begin with it was great, we were getting along better than we ever had but then things turned sour again.

When I moved to university I didn’t speak to him for months. I blamed him, and I still do, for my mum moving back to Birmingham. She didn’t want to she just did it to keep him happy. This annoys me because he doesn’t deserve it. He has made everyone’s life hell, especially my mum’s, for years.

Now my mum and I are very close. I love her more than anyone on the planet and to see her upset and hurt makes me angry and upset. She is the strongest, most generous woman I know and there is no reason for her to be disrespected.

2 months ago, my brother was diagnosed with HSP. This is an extremely agressive and debilitating condition which has left him bed bound and my mum as his sole carer.

Last night I came home, the first time since my brother was diagnosed and I am beyond upset. I’m sat here writing this with tears streaming down my face. I do not cry easily. Ask anyone and they will have very rarely, if ever, seen me cry. But now I don’t know what I’m more upset about. The state my brothers in, the effect it’s having upon my mum, or the hatred I have for myself for not giving my brother any sympathy. A combination of all three I think.

My mum is trying to look after my brother,  look after the dog and the cat, make a living and look after the house all on her own- this makes me upset. My brother is bed bound,  not being able to eat or move or do anything with severe swelling and abdominal pain.  And I am lay here crying because there is nothing I can do about it and I have been so harsh to my brother. How has this happened? I would do anything for things to go back to the way they were. Anything.


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