I’ve been staring at this blank screen for the past 30 minutes. Cliche right? Actually, by now, it’s taken me an hour and a half to write this.
Just as I was about to start writing, I felt very very sick. Like the sort of nausea that makes you have to lie down and breathe deeply and slowly. Concentrate on breathing and everything else seems to dissipate. I made a hot chocolate and that went cold before I could drink it, poor thing.
I’ve come back to university today. Usually that wouldn’t bother me but these past few weeks I’ve been living at home with my mum. This hasn’t happened for the past 18 months and I sort of became accustomed to being independent and not seeing my mum very often. But now I feel overwhelmed with anxiousness and loneliness and homesicknesses. This is an unusual feeling for me and I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. I’m sure it will get better as the term goes on but I’m facing 13 weeks enclosed in this space alone.
I’m nearly 21, I should be able to cope without my mum. Don’t get me wrong I can cook and clean and look after myself perfectly well. I just miss my home comforts. Last term wasn’t anywhere near as bad as this.
So whilst I was dealing with the nausea I was scrolling through Facebook. I saw a post that as made me really, really really upset. A girl I used to go to school with has died in car crash. She was going back to university after Christmas and she had a crash on the motorway. That could have been me, it could have been anyone. She was the sassiest, bubbliest person and she was always laughing and joking at school. I didn’t really know her personally but she would always light up a room. You could always hear her laughs from across the room and she just didn’t take life seriously.
If I wasn’t already feeling bad, this has made things 10x worse. My closest friends and my family are constantly getting in their cars and driving without a care in the world but it only takes one split second. One second and everything changes.
Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to pamper my horse and spend the day revising.